BLNC Facets: PB

BLNC Facets : Pride in Everyday

PB

MANILA

What is everyday life like as a queer person on your side of the country?

PB: For the longest time I don't really think on fulfilling my sexual needs with anyone nor having any romantic pursuits, without asking myself why I behave that way. Some would say I was too focused with studies and eventually my career to not bother with sex and/or romance, but I argue that even those career-driven individuals can still have those kinds of desires, to which I don't have. It was until three years ago that I went on a deep dive learning on asexuality and aromanticism, that I confirmed and acknowledged my aroace orientation.

I am a closeted aroace, and I only have came out to my close friends. I have not (and have no plans) to come out to my family and relatives. I already sensed their homophobic attitude even way back when I was younger. Why bother coming out to them if they will be dealing with something more misunderstood than the other queer identities they have already prejudiced. They are already aware of my disinterest on pursuing a relationship or starting a family of my own, and I don't need to disclose it to them to validate my stance. On the bright side, I am fortunate and grateful that my close friends accepted me and are supportive when I came out to them.

Asexuality and aromanticism are not much fully known here in the Philippines. Even I was not aware that those exist; back then I only know of homosexuality only – it is either you are straight or gay, and nothing else in between. Growing up, I never encountered any resources for information on LGBTQIAP+ (and worse that I was enrolled on a private school where homosexuality is looked down not only by my peers, but also the teachers who express their homophobia against students who are “openly” gay behind closed doors.) Quite later on that I learned about asexuality and aromanticism through the Internet, and through AVEN (The Asexual Visibility and Education Network) I get to interact briefly with fellow aros and aces from around the world. In the Philippines, we have Aromantic and Asexual Support PH, a virtual social learning organization in the Philippines for aromantic and asexual awareness (I used to participate in their community, but I'm currently inactive.)

Upon seeing the views and experiences of my fellow aces and aros, I then realized and shared the same lenses as them on how we see society tending to be obsessed with sex and romance. True enough, I grew up being exposed to romantic centered media  – from children stories of “finding true love” and “happily ever after” to teleseryes that revolve on love triangles, childhood friends to lovers, infidelity, etc. They were entertaining to me, but somehow I cannot connect with them on a level that I see myself getting involved romantically (or sexually) with anyone. I do have my share of having crushes in the past, but I never pursued any of them; I felt something was missing that would convince me to make the move. Whenever my friends have a deep conversation about sex and romance, I always feel disconnected and overwhelmed to the point that I sometimes back out and step away from the conversation. I tried to find fellow aros/aces online and hoping I could befriend at least one, but sadly I found no one to engage further.

A friend once told me that I was lucky that I don't feel the need to date anyone. I am aware on how messy dating and romance could be. I have already have been told countless stories of cheating and heartbreaks from my friends. But at the same time, I am also aware on how fulfilling it is to be with someone – living together, having to share resources, supporting each other, and being at one's back in times of happiness and sorrow, you know, all that stuff. It's not helping that I currently live alone, separated cities away from my relatives; and I mostly do everything by myself. Sure, from time to time I step outside, meet up with friends, or sometimes socialize (to my best) on events I'm interested. But at the end of the day, I go home and stay in my room for most of the time alone. As an introvert I'm already used to being alone, and my friends will be always there should I feel lonely. Yet sometimes I wonder if I could see myself be deeply connected with someone in the same way as most people experience, but without the mandatory need for sex and/or romance. For now I am fine for what I have, and I don't feel the need of seeking or waiting for anyone.

What would you like Filipinos to know about the LGBTQIA+ community where you are?

PB: Both aromanticism and asexuality and are spectra of experiences and identities. One's asexual and/or aromantic experiences may be different from another. They are not equivalent for being prude, conservative, or being celibate. Aromantics and asexuals are valid, and they belong to the LGBTQIAP+ community. Arophobia and acephobia does exist, even inside the queer community. Comments such as “You just haven't found the right person” or viewing aro/asexuality as mental illness, or a phase or a choice are discriminatory towards aromantics and asexuals. To be an ally to them, accept and believe them. You may read online resources on aromanticism and asexuality to know and understand more, but you can always ask themselves nicely about it. Lastly, do not assume everyone needs sex or romance to be happy – let them (or rather, anyone) choose their own path.